But with this, I've learned what the biggest struggle is for happy people, or at least my biggest struggle....being unhappy. (not to be confused with depression) My happy life was rocked back in August with a simple x-ray. It was rocked even more with an MRI. It was rocked even more with a brain surgery and difficult recovery. None of it mine, but I could have handled it all better if it were. I lived for months in an unhappy foggy world. It consumed my world, and made the happy shrink off into the distance. No matter what I tried to choose...happiness was just nowhere to be found. So I took the advice of C.S. Lewis and let go of the monkey bars in order to move forward.
The problem with that is the landing hurts, which makes me just as unhappy. So yeah, she was diagnosed with a brain disease, had surgery so she wouldn't be paralyzed, and will live with this disease and its symptoms forever. So what, accept it and move on. Except that she has lung function tests in two weeks that will tell us that she still can't breathe. Which I already know because I hear her after any kind of activity, I hear her when she sleeps, I see her chest moving shallow and rapidly as she sits on the couch doing nothing. And once those lung functions tell us what I already know, then we will still have questions about why she can't breathe. Is it from the Chiari? And if so, is it slowly improving? Will it? When? Is the syrinx in her spinal column causing it? It the syrinx decreasing any? We know as of last MRI that it wasn't, but it had not increased in size either. Will the syrinx decrease like it should? And if so, when? And will that improve breathing? Or is the breathing from her scoliosis? And the Restrictive Lung Disease? And will she need spinal fusion in the very near future to fix this? And when will that be? Another major surgery, with a long and difficult recovery. Will spinal fusion fix it? Will she ever breathe normally again? Is the lack of oxygen hurting her in any way? Can we fix all of this before she gets the flu which sends her spiraling down when her lungs are normal? Is she going to end up on a BiPap? A ventilator? And if so, how soon? Will she ever scuba again, her newfound passion? (this last one is a question we're pretending isn't even a question...we're assuming she will in good time...so assume with us)
And how does one plan life without these answers? Will she be able to go on her DC field trip in March? Will she be able to go on a spring break cruise if I give in to that request? Will she be able to go to Katie's graduation in May? Will she be able to vacation this summer? Will she be able to start high school in the fall with no issues? I'm a planner. And although I can roll with life's punches, I also need to have a little control. I have none.
The weight of the world is on my chest. Again. Add in that at some point in the near future I'm going to have to decide when my furbaby's dementia outweighs her happiness, and the weight gets heavier. And no matter what I try to choose, happiness eludes me. And I don't like to be unhappy. It isn't me, I don't feel right. But I don't know how to fix it either. I don't know where my happiness is hiding...it is the world's best hide-and-seek player. I don't know when it will decide to reveal itself. And I don't know how to adjust to the unhappiness.
And I know I'm being selfish. Because if I feel like this, how do you think she feels? Her weight is just as heavy (and we know she needs no extra weight on her chest!). And she doesn't feel like herself, she doesn't feel right.
So we live day by day. And as much as we would love to take everyone's advice and not dwell on the unknowns, that just isn't an option at this point. Because the unknown is not just about finding happiness. It is her life.
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