An In-Between Realization

I've been trying for weeks to write the next promised blog "A Ten Day Ride on the Roller Coaster of Hell" but it is proving difficult. Every time I try, I end up in tears or near panic attack mode with the realization of how serious the situation was. I've been trying to figure out why it is bothering me so much now. Why now?

Unbeknownst to her, a friend (who is battling her own health issues) helped me realize the answer this evening by posting this picture on Facebook.



When I read it, I immediately equated it with Kennedy. Because when she cries, when she finally lets it all go, it is only after she's been holding it for so long, trying so hard to be brave. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this answers my question "Why now?" I've been out of the moment for a couple of months now, I've had a chance to take a step away. I've heard loud and clear Kennedy's doctor's words that we should all be thankful that her new ear is the only thing we lost. During those hospital visits, I was focused on getting through the day, the hour, sometimes the minute. I was focused on Kennedy's well-being (not just physical, but equally mental and emotional). What I couldn't clearly see was the big picture.

Don't get me wrong, I cried. Many times. I mean, at one point someone got the chaplain involved after I lost it in the middle of the hallway (and I know those who know me best still laugh at this whole story!). There is no way to continually get bad news time and time again, day after day, and not lose it. But my tears were for the setbacks, the bad news of the hour. Because in that moment, a mother is not even entertaining the idea that MRSA can be a deadly infection.

So as I try to write about those ten days of hell, as I take myself back there, I'm now able to see the big picture. I am now able to see how easily the heartache we did live through could have been a devastating tragedy. And I am now seeing that in order to get through the toughest of moments, we are nothing but strong for too long.

Long story short, my point is that it is okay to cry. It is okay to cry for ourselves. It is okay to cry for those we love. It is okay to cry for strangers. It is okay to cry for nothing. It is okay to let our kids see us cry. It is okay to cry over major things. It is okay to cry over little things. It is okay to cry when you're happy. It is okay to cry when you're sad. It is okay to cry when you're angry. No matter what you're crying about, it is okay to cry. If the tears come, then they are meant to be and they should be shed. Because no matter what, crying is not a sign that we are weak. We truly have been strong for too long.

(I'm still working on my next promised blog, but it will take me a little longer than expected. Because I am taking the time to cry while I write it.)