On a recent road trip, John Michael Montgomery's Life's A Dance came on. I've heard this song hundreds of times (can't take the country out of the girl), but it wasn't till then that the words slammed into my heart. And really gave me some much-needed clarity about this journey we are on. Because as with any journey, when you're in a holding pattern you start second-guessing. You start worrying. You start wondering if you made the right decision.
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow
I've always been the leader on this journey. Kennedy is just a child, afterall. And Ryan, well he's Ryan (a great dad, don't get me wrong; but major decisions are not his strong suit). For almost ten years I've only led this journey, second-guessing every step we take. But after last year's disastrous ear reconstruction, I started to take more of a backseat and put more of the decision-making on Kennedy. Moving forward with the prosthetic process was her sole decision. I'm simply a follower at this point. But following doesn't come easy for me...it comes with just as much guilt as leading. Am I right in letting her decide? Am I putting too much on her shoulders? She is still just a child. But, life's a dance you learn as you go...
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go
Don't worry about what you don't know? Is that even possible? The don't knows scare me the most. Just when I stop forgetting all the don't knows regarding this child, one comes barreling at us full speed ahead. However, we can't control life. We can't predict the future. We don't know what fate has in store for us. So at some point, we all just have to stop worrying about what we don't know and move on with what we do know. If it is meant to be known, then eventually we will know it. And will deal with it then. Because life's a dance you learn as you go...
The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna receive
I'm a firm believer in the adage that you have to give in order to receive. And more than anything on this journey, I give my faith to our angels in white coats (well, okay they usually have scrubs on when I'm giving them most of my faith) in hopes of receiving what I've always promised my baby girl -- a healthy, normal-as-possible life. It isn't always easy giving them my baby girl. It isn't always easy letting them have the reigns. It isn't always easy knowing how to give them my faith. But life's a dance you learn as you go...
There's a time to listen, a time to talk
And you might have to crawl even after you walk
Knowing when to listen and knowing when to talk isn't always easy. Especially when Kennedy keeps things so bottled up inside. But I'm learning. And when I start to question whether she needs a professional to help her through this journey, I remember that I am her best advocate. I know her better than anyone else on earth. And I know that even though she's had to crawl after she walks numerous times, she's still a happy kid. This will come back to bite me in twenty years when she send me her therapy bill. But life's a dance you learn as you go...
Had sure things blow up in my face
Seen the long-shot win the race
Could this stanza ring any more true? We've had our share of sure things blow up in our faces. We all know that this journey hasn't been easy, in many different ways. But luckily, we've won races and battles that we never thought we would win. Learning to say the "s" sound. Hearing rain drops for the first time. Raising her arm/shoulder above her head. Holding her head up straight. I could go on forever here. I know we'll continue to see things blow up in our face as this journey continues...but we'll be able to conquer and win the race. Because life's a dance you learn as you go...
Been knocked down by the slamming door
Picked myself up and came back for more
Yep, we've been knocked down. Stepped on. Kicked while down. Run over by a truck. Backed over by that same truck. But here's the thing...KENNEDY picks herself up and continues on. And we have no choice but to follow her. I only find my strength to come back for more through her. How she does it, I will never know. She is keeping her secrets on this close to the vest. But life's a dance you learn as you go...
But I learned something from my blue eyed girl
Sink or swim you gotta give it a whirl
No matter what we face on this journey, I consider myself to be damn lucky. Lucky to have this soul in my life. Lucky that I get to be her mom. Life with her truly is a dance that we are learning as we go. So are we doing the right thing? Am I right in letting her make the decisions? Is it fair all she has to go through to look like her peers? Well, I'm not sure...but sink or swim,we gotta give it a whirl.
